So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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