Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
