I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
