Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
