you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
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