so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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