I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
