oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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