Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Randomize
