I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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