Dude my mom stole all your condoms
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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