If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
