Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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