A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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