Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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