I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
