Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
my poor anus
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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