im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
