I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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