I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
