Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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