I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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