You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Randomize
