you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Randomize
