This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
