so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
