Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
