i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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