You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
