Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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