I wish I could teleport
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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