No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
