Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
