I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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