my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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