Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
