Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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