i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
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