I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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