So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
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