I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
