Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
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