i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
