i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize