maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
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