I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
