I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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