If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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