I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
