I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
is swine flu sexually transmttd?
Ha no, why?
sriously ive never had a hangovr this bad
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
