I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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