i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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