He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
