already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
