apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
