grandma shit on top of the toilet
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Its about making memories worth repressing
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
