I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
